10 Lessons I Learned About Motherhood from Mister Rogers
Recently, I had the absolute pleasure of watching a documentary called "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" - a touching tribute to Fred Rogers, AKA the Mister Rogers of our youth. In my memories of his TV show from early childhood, there is the simple song inviting me to be a neighbor, the chime of the trolley entering the world of make believe, and the changing of shoes at the beginning and end of each episode figuring prominently in my mind all of these years later.
Little did I know at the time that this friendly man who seemed to be speaking directly to me via my television screen was actually changing the culture of childhood and creating groundbreaking approaches to how we should honor and respect the whole life stage of childhood, as well as children in general.
As I relived many childhood memories with all of the nostalgic rhetoric in the background of my mind playing a tune of simpler times, I also realized how many life lessons had stayed with me thanks to the influence of Fred Rogers. He not only had an impact on the shape of my personal life, but also upon the way that I mother my children.
Mister Rogers seems like an unlikely hero for modern day mothers at first glance, but upon further examination, there were ten big ways that he influences my parenting style today. Here they are:
1. Be a Helper
Mister Rogers is famous for telling children to look for the helpers in times of disaster, and this is advice I have passed along to my own little ones very often. If you asked them what they should do in a situation like this, I know they would say to look for people who are helping others and to look for the people who look like mommies. In this day and age where we sadly have to fear violence breaking out at places like schools and concerts and special events, these words of wisdom could not be more poignant.These words have also shaped the kind of mother I am because I have tried very hard to be a helper. When opportunities to volunteer or be present for my children and their friends arise, I try to prioritize it. Simply being a trustworthy and recognizable grownup in the world of little ones can leave an indelible mark on how children can experience new, stressful, or exciting situations, and I can only hope that my children and their friends see me as an adult that can make a situation a little more comfortable, safe, or happy for them.
2. Childhood should be respected and honored.
Before the time of Mister Rogers, it was not typical for children to be told that they are special and valued and deserving of respect. The reality of parenthood and childhood changed when this seemingly simple value adjustment entered the mainstream.It is a priority for me to make my children feel heard and respected. I want them to know that they deserve this, and that they should do everything they can to help others feel the same.Not only did Mister Rogers tell the children watching his show that they were special; he also conveyed this through all of his interactions whether it was the way he leaned in close to listen to a little one or the way he gave children the time and space to say what was on their minds without hurrying them or putting words in their mouths. He utilized wait time as a communication tool before anyone was actually using that terminology. Mister Rogers took children's questions and thoughts seriously and never undermined them. Through the rush of a busy life these days, I use his approach as a model when communicating with my children.
3. Don't hide from big life issues.
Mister Rogers didn't believe in hiding big issues away from children. Of course, it is important to share sensitive information carefully with little ones, but he didn't want children to be kept in the dark about the issues and big words that were weighing on the minds and hearts of the grownups in their lives.Whether it was having one of the puppets in the world of make believe ask his grownup what an assassination was as heartbreaking images of Robert Kennedy filled the news screens in households across the country, or spending an entire week of episodes to help children better understand concepts like divorce or death, Mister Rogers wanted to give children the change to learn about what was really going on in life. He also wanted to make sure that they had a healthy way to express the emotions that came up in response to these big life issues.Today, I take the same approach with my children. They are people, just like you and me, and I want to be there for them as they learn to navigate the waters of the challenges and tragedies that so often grip our daily headlines. I want them to ask questions, and I also want them to want to help others in need and to see themselves as people who can effect change and bring hope no matter how small they may be.
4. Don't be afraid to be exactly who you are.
Even as a young child, I could see that Mister Rogers was different. His friendly, unhurried ways, his constant kindness, and his extreme focus on taking children seriously were unique. I didn't know that this admirable demeanor made him the subject of scrutiny and taunting in the media at the time, but I was aware of the fact that who he was as a person seemed unshakable.
I can't pretend to have the same level of presence and self-confidence now that Mister Rogers conveyed back in the day, but I do aim for it. I tell my children when I am scared and nervous. I try to remember to let them know if I have a reason to be proud of myself. I say it's okay that there are values and priorities that take precedence in my life even though it may make me unpopular with some.
I want my children to see the beauty in being unique and the power that comes only from being who you truly are. They have so much to offer, and I want them to know that - and help other children feel the same.
5. See people. Really see them.
Life is so busy and hectic. I often feel accomplished simply due to having time to take a shower or tidy up the house or fold a load of laundry amidst a probably overly scheduled life. It's so easy to have our eyes on the next thing, the next task, the next place.The problem with this is that the people in our lives can often become a blur of faces and the background to a life made of checked off lists rather than the focal point and opportunity for connection that life gifts us with.Mister Rogers took the time to look people in the eye and to really hear them. Friendliness and acts of kindness were a priority for him. People came first. I don't ever want my kids to miss out on the feeling of brightening someone's day, deepening a friendship, or being there for someone in a time of need. This is a hard one for me to model as an introverted and often shy person, but I am honest about my struggles with this with the kids. I let them know it is often hard for me to make conversation or talk to someone new, but that I try my best to do it because I know how thankful I am when people do this for me.
6. Take time to just be quiet.
This morning, I snuggled my children in bed before school, and we watched a very old episode of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. I was so struck by the contrast of the sounds of this show - or lack thereof - in comparison with the kids' shows on TV today. There was So. Much. Quiet.Time passed noiselessly as Mister Rogers casually changed his shoes or fed his fish or cut paper without narration into the shape of an animal. He clearly saw value in quiet, and that is something that is missing from so many of our lives today.Children fill empty moments with phones or video games. It is not unusual for several electronic devices to be making sounds at once in a household. We have trouble sitting with silence and our thoughts and our own selves.We do watch some TV as a family, and we definitely love family movie time, but we make sure to grab books for quiet time. Car rides are not movie marathons. We don't play video games at home, and my children don't use iPads or computers or phones for the most part unless they have to for homework. I respect that this isn't the choice of all parents, but I want to keep things this way for as long as I can in their childhood. They will be consumed by noise and technology and sound bytes at some point, so I plan to ride out as much of this childhood as possible with whatever quiet I can preserve.
7. Take care of your body.
One kind of fascinating scene from the documentary about Mister Rogers involved how he religiously swam laps every day. It was clear from the footage of him swimming that he exercised as he lived his life - with joy and with unhurried ease.After getting out of the pool each day, he would step on the scale. Amazingly, the scale would jump to the weight of exactly 143 for many, many years. Rogers loved this due to more than just wanting to maintain a healthy weight. There was also a connection between this weight and his emotional life. The numbers 1-4-3 stand for the number of letters in the sentence - I LOVE YOU!As Mister Rogers took the time to love himself each day through his practice of swimming, I do my best to exercise at home several times a week. I do this to feel healthy and strong and to combat the effects of autoimmune disease, but I also prioritize it to model the importance of it for my children. We don't talk about size or shape other than to say that people come in all sizes and shapes and that there is beauty in every person, but we do talk about taking care of our bodies and being healthy as one of the most important things in life.
8. Take the time to laugh. And cry. And be angry.
This is another tough one for me. I tend towards the quiet and stoic side of things, but fortunately, my children don't. They are loud and respond to life in big ways. They get obviously angry and sad and hurt, all of which are things I have the impulse to keep inside.Mister Rogers seemed to spend time in all of his episodes on showing that big emotions are normal and healthy and important. He sang songs about being angry and wasn't afraid to show that he was sad.He honored those feelings in children and did not push them under the rug or discourage them. This is one of Mister Rogers' lessons that my children have a better grip on than I do, but I keep this one as a goal held close to my heart.
9. Believe in your mission.
Mister Rogers took his mission of respecting and entertaining children and helping them grow very seriously. His audience wasn't one of power or influence, but he never let that stop him from protecting the emotional life of children.As mothers, we can so often get bogged down with day to day life that we fail to realize the importance of what we do. We may put our head on the pillow at night with feelings of inadequacy or guilt or sheer exhaustion, and forget that we kept a child safe and nourished and dreaming of tomorrow for another day. We lose sight of the gravity of nurturing another life, another generation, and another world changer. We do important work, and we need to believe in that work and in ourselves and in each other.
10. The smallest acts of kindness can be the most important.
To see the footage in the documentary of little faces lighting up as they recognized a kindred spirit in Mister Rogers was beautiful. He wasn't taking them on big trips or giving them gifts or doing anything fancy with them. He was being kind and giving them two things that mean more than anything else to children: our respect and our time.As we run around like crazy and live our fast paced lives, it's easy to forget that it's the smallest moments of connection with our children that have the most power over all of us - the words whispered on the pillow as you kiss them goodnight; the stories shared on the ride home from school or over dinner; the extra hug before we all rush off to start our days.Mister Rogers knew the simple grandeur of small acts of kindness, and I try to remind myself that one day when my children are grown, it will be the smallest moments of kindness and togetherness that I will treasure and turn over in my mind as the gems of my life.If you are interested in additional parenting resources on related issues, check out the following articles:- Parenting in the Age of the iPhone: Raising Kids with Today's Technology- Talking with Children About War and Violence in the World- Respecting Your Own Parenting StrugglesComment below and let us know if you have learned any life lessons from Mister Rogers!
