5 Things a Natural Parenting Mama Learned from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother"

If you're familiar with the book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, you're probably wondering how it's remotely possible for a natural parenting mama like me to have learned anything from this book. If you're not familiar with this book, the title of the book probably rings a bell for you at the very least since it has been all over the media. In a nut shell, Amy Chua has written a book that seems to delight in stereotyping American or Western parenting and Chinese parenting. She is the ultimate authoritarian parent, depriving her daughters of fun, working on their schoolwork and music lessons with them like a drill sergeant, and constantly peppering her children with emotional insults that would make HBO black comedy dialogue seem light and refreshing.
So how is it that I came to read this book? My friend Tom, an avid reader and someone with excellent taste - especially in the arts, encouraged me to read it. He said that Amy Chua is basically the "anti-Charise" and that he was really interested to hear what I thought about the book. I laughed because from what I knew about the book, it was all about a mother who proudly controls every aspect of her daughters' lives; the book on my nightstand at the time was Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: T, a book that basically teaches you how to relinquish all control over your children. Still, when I saw Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother available on the speed read shelf at the library a couple of days later, I just couldn't resist.
Well, I devoured the book in two quick pre-bedtime reading stints, so thank you, Tom! The experience of reading this book was like the morbid pull that forces you to stare at a gruesome car accident. You want to look away and wish it never happened, but you somehow get a weird thrill from it and need to see what will happen next. Also, Amy Chua is a fantastic writer. She writes clearly, balancing academic prowess and snarkiness perfectly. Chua knows exactly how to draw you in.
Rather than point out all of the things I disagree with in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I would like to share 5 things I learned from reading this book:
1. It is important to pass down aspects of your family's culture to your children:Chua has tunnel vision when it comes to passing down her Chinese heritage to her half Chinese, half Jewish children. Although she remembers the pain of some elements of her parents' Chinese ways, it somehow propels her even more to subject her children to the same tyrannical methods. Although, I'm not taking this lesson to the Chua level, I do see the beauty in perpetuating family traditions, keeping the spirit of family members who have passed alive, bringing back certain family customs just because, and using your own childhood as a muse for your parenting style.
2. Parenting philosophies don't work the same way on all children:I've never heard of any mother working so doggedly hard to stick to one parenting philosophy that she believes in before reading Chua's book; but even with all of her hard work, knowledge, and dedication to her parenting decisions, she can't work the same "magic" in the same way on both of her daughters. Her first daughter responded in an ideal way to her strict Chinese parenting, but Chua's second daughter couldn't have been more against being parented in this way. Of course I can't blame the poor younger daughter, but my takeaway is that no matter how strongly you feel about parenting in a certain way, it doesn't mean that different children will flourish under it in the same way. Different approaches work for different people.
3. Crazy strict authoritarian parents do actually love their children:No matter how non-judgmental and open minded we may try to be, it's hard not to be alarmed by certain aspects of people's parenting techniques who sit on the other side of the spectrum from you. But beyond cases of true neglect and child abuse, parents who are bending over backwards to do what they think is right for their children - no matter how insane it seems to you - are most likely doing it out of love. I truly feel like there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for my baby, but Chua's tenacious and determined ways to help her children be the very best they can be make me feel like I would rather just take a nap. I have to recognize that she sacrificed plenty to provide her children with what she believed is the ultimate kind of parenting and that she truly loves her girls.
4. Parents mellow out over time:Even Chua's parents - who never let her sleepover a friend's house and who were mortified when she received anything less than the very top honor possible - were pretty horrified by the level of authoritarianism she was wielding over her girls. People usually relax a bit over time, and I think it is a good thing to reflect upon when we as parents feel super strongly about creating certain ideals for our children. When we're bending over backwards to keep things going in a certain way, it might be a nice time to consider if we will feel so strongly about it in twenty years from now.
5. Helping your children to develop passions is important:Chua flies her freak flag in a major way throughout her stories of pushing her daughters with their musical endeavors, and as atrocious as some of these anecdotes are, I can't deny the moments of beauty, appreciation, and freedom that her children also appear to feel at times because they are pursuing something that they love. I've experienced passions for things in my life, and I would never want Baby to go through life without feeling the highs and lows of following a dream.